How do you talk to kids about death?

My three-year-old daughter is worried about dying. She tells us one morning that she’s going to die when she turns 18. Maybe to her, 18 is how I feel about turning 90 – that’s properly old. Later, I ask what is worrying her about dying. She doesn’t know. She’s three. She can’t quite articulate what it is that’s bothering her. We’re sitting in her room, getting ready for nursery. I’m trying and failing to brush her hair. She’s trying her best to not yelp in pain as I drag a brush through her curls.

I look up and see the small photo of my mum that sits on her shelf. My sister gave it to me to put in my daughter’s room around the time she was born. Mum died in 2011 and it devastated our family. She talked a lot about grandchildren, so it feels sad that she won’t be around to meet them. I start to worry that the photo is the thing that’s making my kid obsess about dying. She likes to run through various members of our family. She wants to know who my siblings are and how they are related to her, who her cousins are, who her grandparents are. She’ll ask me who my dad is, who my sister is and then make the connection with who they are to her.

When she first asked me where my mum was, I was taken aback. I didn’t initially know how to answer her. On the one hand, I hate it when parents do saccharine lies to their kids: they’re on holiday, they live on a farm far away, they’re having a long sleep. On the other, my kid’s three. She won’t really understand about death. I chose to be honest. I told her: “My mum isn’t around any more. She’s dead. She would have loved you very much.” My daughter then asked me: “Do you miss your mum?” “Yes,” I said. “It makes me feel sad she is not here.” After that, my daughter kept asking where Mum was and whether I felt sad.

Source: theguardian